The Man who didn't know How To Be a Father

Once upon a time there was a man who didn’t know how to be a father.

In his defense, it should be pointed out that this lack of knowledge was not really his fault.  His own father was a drunken abuser of him, his two sisters, and his mother; after several years of torment, the mother fled from that man, taking the children with her.  After that, he was subjected to a series of boyfriends and step fathers, none of whom did anything to be responsible father figures.

So he grew into a man without this knowledge.  He was a cowardly man, prone to talking a good game--and having the mind to back it up--but no courage and no convictions.  He took a government job, and became a backroom button-pusher, a data man, a programmer.  Good at figures, but not much else.

Despite this, he eventually found a woman whom he could whine and plead into being his wife.  They married, and had one son.  When his own son was about four years old, his wife caught him cheating with another woman, and divorced him.

Not knowing how to be a father, he nevertheless was always there with child support money for his wife, and took the son for weekends.  He did not abuse the boy...at least not with fists.  But since he didn’t know how to be a father, he did the only thing he knew how to do; talk.

Now, all parents talk to their children.  And talking to your children is important.  But he talked at his son, rather than to him.  He talked and talked and talked.  When the son tried to ask a question or disagreed, he just talked over him, too.  When not being cowed into silence by others--which was often--he talked over other people too; his ex-wife, his mistress, his co-workers, and so on.

His ex-wife remarried, and her second husband was a cold fish of a man, no better a stepfather to the boy than any of the man’s own stepfathers had been.  This step father had been very bad for his own daughter, as well; mostly through neglect.  This girl did abuse the man’s son.

In later years, the son didn’t get the best grades in school.  Like his father, he was smart; unlike his father, he was unfocused, and angry.  This man, who didn’t know how to be a father, talked with the mother and stepfather of the boy.  They tried several things, and eventually resorted to beating him with a belt.  This worked a little bit, in the short term, but in the long term nothing changed.

As the years went on, the man’s own son grew to resent him, and spoke to him as little as possible.  The man’s son was angry at many things and people, but this father-who-didn’t-know-how-to-be-a-father most of all.

The man’s son eventually took a job at a riverfront business.  He did reasonably well there for ten years.  At the end of that time, though, an indifferent boss threw him--and his best friend--into the river.  Now, both the son and his friend could swim, but the river banks were high, and sheer; they couldn’t climb up them.

His father happened to be walking by, so despite his resentment, the boy called out to his father.  “Dad!  Help us!  Find some rope or something!”

His father looked at him.  He loved his son, but he didn’t know how to be a father; all he knew how to do was talk.

So instead of trying to help, he said...

“Uh.....swim faster!  And call for your mother, maybe she can help you.”

After that, somewhat disquieted and ashamed of his own cowardice, he walked away.

The moral of the story?

IF YOUR SON NEEDS HELP, GIVE IT.